The Lamest Show On Earth: The Dark Side Of The Moon

Ooh, scary. Look at that box art. And that's just on VHS (kids, ask your parents). Imagine how much scarier it is transferred into higher quality DVD. Oh shit, if it's on Blu-Ray, you've just crapped your pants with fear thinking about it. Or not, since it wasn't really that scary. Or good. But don't let me spoil it for you (I suggest you do let me spoil it for you to save you the hour and a half of wasted life.) Also, in case you were wondering, no, there is absolutely no Pink Floyd to be found anywhere in this movie. A shame really, would have at least made it more...no, it still would have been terrible. Sorry, Floyd.

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If you're not on the edge of your seat after reading this introductory crawl, you may want to check your pulse to make sure the terror hasn't already killed you:

The year, 2022.
The maintenance ship SPACECORE 1 is on a routine "refab" mission.
The refabs are fixers.
Their purpose is to repair nuclear-armed satellites orbiting high above the earth.
Due to the atomic capabilities of these satellites, refabbing is considered dangerous...

Very dangerous.

It's safe to assume you've crapped yourself, though most likely from how horrible the intro is. So the movie begins in the far flung future of 2022 (which for a movie made in 1990, is really kind of aiming short). The crew of Spacecore 1 is on approach to the dark side of the moon (which I guess is technically high above Earth) where a satellite has wandered off armed with a couple of nuclear missiles. Apparently in the not-to-distant future, things on Earth have become so bad, we're all just waiting to be nuked from space by a bumbling crew of washing machine repairmen. But I digress.

With the classic Star Wars fly-in-over-the-camera shot, we're introduced to the futuristic Spacecore 1. With a crew consisting of five guys, 1 gal, and a sexy female robot/main computer/unnecessary actress in skintight spandex. Wait, "unnecessary" may not be the word. Our fearless pilots Flynn and Giles begin to have problems with various ships systems as they approach the dark side of the moon where the satellite is hanging out. Lesli, the aforementioned spandex-clad computer avatar can find nothing wrong with the ship. With the ship's systems failing, the crew finds themselves in a life threatening situation. With little communication to Earth, limited resources. and only one sexy female to share among them, things start to get tense.

Jennings, a gopher/general purpose crewman who has helpfully configured one of the satellites to send out a distress signal, is the first to make a pass at Alex (oddly, all the guys seem to go by their last names, but Alex goes by her first). The main engineer Paxton (played by the same actor who played Tyrell in Blade Runner, complete with giant 80's glasses) goes next, waiting until Alex has prepared some tea for the crew, warming it with a small blowtorch in the cold confines of the failing ship. Inadvertently, she's put cream into Dreyfuss' tea, which he is deathly (as in instant heart failure, not just some itchy hives deathly) allergic to. Being the ship's doctor, he's probably not the best guy to poison before the real fun begins.

While waiting for help, an old NASA space shuttle appears out the window, seemingly adrift in space on the far side of the moon. Confused by the fact that NASA is now defunct, the crew makes a desperate attempt to salvage either fuel or oxygen from the shuttle. Spacecore 1 manages to dock with the NASA shuttle, regardless of the fact that the ships are ridiculously different, which turns out to be the Discovery 18. Investigating historical records, it's found that Discovery 18 splashed down in the Bermuda Triangle in 1992. It was lost in the Triangle, with only one crewman accounted for. Flynn and Giles decide to head over to the Discovery, donning spacesuits that, even though NASA is no more, look a lot like NASA spacesuits. They head over to the shuttle and are able to patch it into their ship and provide much needed oxygen.

On board the shuttle, they find one of the unaccounted-for crewmen dead, but still in pretty good shape for being 30 years dead. He's had the skin cut off of his stomach in the shape of a perfect triangle. Flynn and Giles take him back to the Spacecore 1 for examination. Dreyfuss is baffled by the condition of the corpse and the perfection with which the triangle cut has been made. While the rest of the crew is off doing other important things, Alex is left alone with the corpse. Suddenly, the dead man comes back to life. After a wicked kidney punch and some boasting in a scary monster voice, the dead man forces Alex's face into the cut in his stomach. Giles, who's been with Lesli investigating the history of the shuttle, watches all this unfold on the closed circuit cameras. Raising an alarm, everyone heads back to the medical bay to find the dead man still quite dead and Alex on the floor unconscious.

While Alex is strapped to an examination table, Flynn decides to go back to the shuttle to see about salvaging some electronics to possibly repair parts of his damaged ship. While exploring this NASA shuttle that seems to have serveral levels (the part is on Level 3), Flynn ends up in a room full of saltwater. While communicating with Giles, Flynn sees something, but is quickly cut off. Giles decides he and Dreyfuss should go investigate while Paxton and Jennings remain on board with Alex and Lesli. As they're wandering the ship, Giles walks through a doorway and is cut off from Dreyfuss. Giles hears shots being fired, and finds Dreyfuss freaking out in another area. Looking around, they find the room filled with saltwater Flynn mentioned. Inside, they find Flynn hanging from a giant hook in the ceiling. When his body falls from the hook, they find the now dead Flynn has the same triangle cut out of his stomach that the dead crewman had.

Back on the ship, a shadowy figure pays a visit to a now conscious Alex. Being as seductive as she can for a low budget horror flick, she convinces the shadowy figure to have his way with her. Moments before anything good can happen, Alex goes into the same scary monster voice mode as the dead man and pushes the shadowy figure's face into her stomach.

When Giles and Dreyfuss get back to the ship, they find Jennings and Paxton outside the med bay where Alex is now dead with the same triangle cut in her stomach. With Jennings and Paxton the only ones on the ship, Giles and Dreyfuss are rightfully suspicious. The suggestion is made to take everyone to the bridge and figure out what the hell is going on. En route, Jennings and Paxton overpower the other two and take their weapons. Paxton interrogates Giles about what happened on the other ship, and disliking his answers, threatens to kill Giles. Jennings encourages Paxton to kill Giles, but Paxton ultimately refuses to do so.

Giles returns to speak with Lesli about the history of the Bermuda Triangle. Making an offhand comment, Lesli informs Giles that were the Spacecore 1 to be lost in the Triangle, they would be the 666th vessel to be lost. Acting on a hunch, Giles asks Lesli to display the latitude and longitude coordinates of the three points of the Bermuda Triangle. Contained within each point of the triangle's coordinates is the number 6, making 666. He then finds that the ships current location is between the Bermuda Triangle on Earth and a triangular section of the moon called Centrus-B40. It's then that Giles realizes who may be behind all these mysterious deaths: The Devil.

Giles decides their last chance at getting home is if he gets to the other ship, gets the part Flynn originally went after, and gets the ship back up and going. As an insurance policy, he tells Jennings and the remaining crew that if he's not back in 30 minutes, they can undock the Discovery and use the nearby satellite to destroy the shuttle. Luckily, the control board has a giant red button marked "Launch," so we don't have to worry about anyone finding or pushing the wrong button. The crew synchronize their watches for a 30 minute countdown and Giles hauls ass to the Discovery. He returns to the saltwater room and is attacked by a giant dryer hose that rises up out of the water. He retrieves the part and, while making no attempt whatsoever to keep it from getting wet, makes a mad dash back to the Spacecore 1. Jennings gets antsy, having decided that Giles is behind all the murders, and when the 30 minutes counts down, begins the sequence of events to destroy the Discovery. Giles manages to escape the ship just in time, but is caught in the airlock tunnel as the shuttle separates from Spacecore 1. Luckily, he's not flash frozen or suffocated by being exposed to the void of space. In the now windtunnel of an airlock, Giles continues to shout commands to Dreyfuss to get the airlock door open. Dreyfuss is able to open the door and after a brief struggle with the air escaping, he pulls Giles aboard.

Heading back into the ship, Paxton confronts Jennings and we see that it was Paxton who visited Alex and got the nasty face munch. Paxton, now infested with Satan, gloats about stopping Giles. Jennings ultimately ends up shooting Paxton. Moments later the satellite launches one of its nuclear missiles at the Discovery and the shuttle is destroyed.

Giles and Dreyfuss head off in search of Jennings and Paxton. They come across Paxton with the triangle cut in his stomach and Jennings nowhere in sight. They assume the Beast has moved on to Jennings, but it turns out Paxton was just playing possum. Paxton goes to Lesli, prompting quite possibly the greatest random quote from a film ever. With the camera as Paxton's point of view, Lesli "activates" and says simply, in her terrible robot voice, "Get away from me you motherfucker."

Giles and Dreyfuss stock up on ammo. They go to install the part they recovered from the shuttle only to find the existing parts destroyed beyond repair. Disheartened, they go hunting for Jennings. Dreyfuss stumbles into a triangle shaped shaft of light, recognizes a shadow, and cowers in fear. Giles finds Jennings and a struggle ensues. Just as Jennings is about to kill Giles, Dreyfuss saves the day and shoots Jennings.

Spoiler time (it's as good a place as any) [Or skip it]:
The ship finally beings to shut down. Giles contacts Lesli for a status report. A quick cut to Lesli reveals the sexy robot is now a headless sexy robot. Somehow Lesli manages to respond anyway and with an unknown reason for the ship stopping. Dreyfuss is upbeat at the dire sounding news. Back in the mess hall, Dreyfuss and Giles take a moment to relax and have a drink. Dreyfuss proceeds to add cream to his tea, which tips Giles off to what he suspected: Dreyfuss is Dreyfuss no more. Dreyfuss expresses regret at their lack of chance for rescue. Giles tells Dreyfuss about Jennings having set up one of the satellites to send a distress signal and heads back to the control room.

Dreyfuss enters the control room to confront Giles. Giles is just finishing up reprogramming the nuclear missile satellite. Satan-fuss proceeds to explain to Giles that he is taking souls of those who have lost all hope to regain his lost power and assault Heaven once more. He explains that the Bermuda Triangle was just a happy coincidence and convenient for his purposes. All it takes, really, is for someone to question their faith and they've lost their soul to the Devil. Giles tells off Dreyfuss to keep him distracted. The final nuke swivels into place and launches at the Spacecore 1. The ship is destroyed.

The movie ends with a panning shot of Centrus-B40, showing hundreds of lost ships and planes that disappeared in the Bermuda Triangle. Suddenly, a distress call is heard from the Tiberius, which has lost control and is drifting towards Centrus.

All done:
Sometimes you hear the concept of a movie, and you're like "Man, that sounds cool as hell, I'd like to see that." And then you see it and the first thing you really want to do is find the nearest film director and kick him so hard in the nuts he can never have children so none of them ever gets the idea in their head to make a film like this. The Dark Side of the Moon sounds like it could have been good, if it wasn't a horrible direct to video letdown. I know the indie movie scene has come a long way since the early 90's, but good lord.

One of the major problems here involves the suspension of disbelief. A lot of films rely on this. No, there's not really a giant monster destroying a major city. No, you can't get exposed to high doses of radiation and gain super powers (unless uncontrollable tumors is considered a super power). And no, the dorky best friend will never ever ever have the popular girl realize they're meant to be together and ditch the jerky quarterback asshole. It will NEVER happen, so just stop hoping.

Here, you're asked to forget that these things can't happen. But then the movie makes multiple references to random shit that either never existed or is just some random statistic that was made up to suit the needs of the film, but would be quickly verifiable (though since this was made in the 1990s, I guess they didn't have quite so much Internet. AOL probably wouldn't have known its ass from a hole in the ground since they certainly don't today). Far from the 666 vessels lost in the Triangle, there are only a couple dozen. So unless somebody ratcheted up the disappearance rate, the number should be nowhere near that high. Since there are no real exact vertices for the Triangle, using the commonly accepted points we get roughly 32°18'N 64°47'W for the capital of Bermuda, 18°27'N 66°04'W for San Juan, Puerto Rico, and 25°47'N 80°13'W for Miami. While there are 3 6's, the movie portrays the coordinates as having a single 6 from each point. I suppose one could massage the points a bit to find a nearby point with a 6. There's no way the characters would have been able to survive prolonged exposure to the vacuum of space, or an electronic part from 1992 would be of any use covered in saltwater. Really, you're just asking for nerdy know-it-alls to question your methods and "facts"...

Sadly, the "fact" I was most interested in looking up was Centrus-B40, the location on the back side of the moon where the Bermuda Triangle dumps its loot. Except it doesn't appear to exist. I will admit, it's a bit rough finding maps of the far side of the moon, but I'd think it'd be there somewhere if it was real. Thanks for dashing my hopes.

The acting wasn't very good, especially given the class of actors in the film. While not A or B grade stars, they weren't total nobodies. The pace is ok, but who cares when the movie is bad. There aren't any really scary parts, though they try to use a lot of shadows and dark places to elicit terror. The inclusion of Lesli was just outright stupid. She's the ship's computer system, but she has a body. No big deal, except she never leaves the chair she's sitting in. What's the point of having a robot body (dressed in skintight spandex, I must note again) if you're just going to use it to keep a chair from running off. It's not like anybody really gets a chance to hook it up with her. And really, I cannot overemphasize how terribly cheezy the "Get away from me you motherfucker" line is. The resolution isn't really all that much of a resolution, but at least all your questions get answered, unlike some films...

So really, you're better off avoiding this one. There are hundreds of better ways to spend an hour and a half. If you don't believe me, trust the Perl.