Zombie Nation (a.k.a. the worst movie ever)

So I have a pretty low standard when it comes to what I consider a "good" movie. Just ask my wife...my philosophy is mostly that unless the movie is ridiculously migraine-inducingly terrible, I'll sit through the whole thing. My Netflix history is full of a lot of 3-star ratings, because it takes a special kind of movie to make me rate it lower. I think there's only been a 1 or two movies that I've intentionally started watching and not sat through. One of them was for a specific "gross out moment" that occurs close to the beginning, but otherwise I would not have watched the movie. It also didn't help it was a foreign film, not that that has a lot of impact on my watching a movie (One of my favorite movies, The City of Lost Children, is French), but if I'm totally not interested and I have to read subtitles, I'm gonna be done with that pretty quick. But anyway, so my point is if I tell you a movie is the worst movie ever, you can be pretty sure that you never want to see it.

Now bear in mind, Zombie Nation isn't the worst movie I've ever seen. Of all the movies I've watched, I'd say there's one other film that's probably worse than Zombie Nation, but not along the same line. ZN is a bad film all the way around: quality, acting, believability, etc. The one movie worse isn't poorly made or badly acted, really, it's just really really really really really (I can't emphasize this enough) REALLY fucked up. But that's a blog for another time. For now, let's get back to the abomination that is Zombie Nation.

Where to begin. First off, the box art is ridiculously deceptive. Check it out:

This looks like a bad-ass zombie movie, doesn't it. That's what I thought when I saw it on the shelf at Blockbuster. But I never got around to renting it. Eventually, I found it On Demand. So I settled in for what I thought was going to be a good, potentially low budget zombie flick. I've seen some OK films with little to no budget that were still ridiculously gory. A little schlocky perhaps, but still good, so I wasn't too worried. 

This movie is the epitome of "don't judge a book by its cover." Except usually people use that phrase to indicate the inside is better than what's on the surface. Not this turd.

Also, in case you were wondering, this is not based on the 1990 NES game of the same name. Just so you don't get the idea that I was asking for it by watching some obvious early Uwe Boll work. Although I kind of wish it had been, this plot sounds cool (from the Wikiz):

"The plot of Zombie Nation takes place in 1999, when a meteor known as "Darc Seed" crashes in the Nevada desert. Darc Seed then shoots magnetic rays and turns the people of the United States into zombies. Darc Seed also brings the Statue of Liberty to life to follow its commands. The magnetic rays also allows Darc Seed to control many deadly weapons, including the most powerful weapon of all - the legendary samurai sword Shura.
The head of the samurai, Namakubi hears of Shura falling into Darc Seed's clutches. He then heads to the United States to destroy Darc Seed, free the American people from the looming zombification, and reclaim the samurai sword Shura."

Back to the movie. It's been a while since I watched the movie, and have no desire to see it again, so some of the details might be a bit rough, but they're close enough. So there's this cop named Joe who I think is supposed to be a middle-American beat cop. Except for his ridiculously thick Russian accent. But that's cool, no one else (who for the most part have no discernible accent) seem to notice. So Joe is a cop with a bad temper. Who likes to kidnap random women, take them to a secret loft he has, drug them, and then murder them. He does this several times. Once he "arrests" a woman for something irrelevant (jaywalking, maybe), but instead of taking her downtown, he takes her to his loft and gives her the old dope and choke. 

One of his victims comes under some voodoo protection before being killed. So this ends up being the trigger for the zombies. That's right, these zombies didn't come from a comet, or toxic waste, or a government experiment gone wrong. They're voodoo zombies. I suppose it may have been some nod to the origins of concept of a zombie. Whatever the reason, these "zombies," far from looking anything like the cover art, are just a bunch of chicks with raccoon eyes. Seriously. Oh, and they're coherent and fully mobile. So for this movie, "zombie" is a secret code word for "goth hooker." These zombies proceed to eat the first couple of men they come upon. Unremarkable except for the fact that one of the guys apparently gets the idea (and who can blame him when confronted by a bunch of skanks with too much eye makeup) that he needs to whip out his dork. One of the zombies goes ahead and snacks on it for him. Completely unnecessary, but there ya go. A might fine how-do-you-do.

Back to Joe for just a bit. While hanging out at his murder loft, Joe is visited by a doctor of some kind. I think the director felt the need to make a cameo, but didn't want to have his dong gnawed off. For probably a good 15 minutes, he is pushed around Joe's loft in a wheelchair asking "Is it safe?" While I can appreciate a nod to Marathon Man, there's no fuggin point. Even in the context of the movie. It doesn't move the plot, it doesn't reveal some inner issue Joe is having. It's just Dr. Wheels repeating the same phrase over and over and over and over again. Now that I think about it, 15 minutes may have been a conservative estimate. Cuz if felt like for-fuckin-ever.

So, goth hookers on the prowl, lookin' for revenge. Spoiler alert: they find Joe and kill him or eat his wiener or something, I don't even remember. By the time it got to the end, I was hopeful a brain aneurysm would save me. No such luck. But, the good news is that after dispatching Joe, they find that the local cop shop is shorthanded, so now we get Charlie's Skank-gels. That's right, the formerly dead, back by voodoo magic zombies are given jobs as cops. Oh, and guess what. Turns out they weren't the type of zombies that fed on human flesh. So now they're zombie goth cannibal whore cops with a think for peenor. Which actually would have made a better movie plot. I bet that dude is pissed he got his junk eaten for nothing.

So in case I haven't made it clear: don't be fooled by fancy box art. This movie is the shit. If a jerk has been picking on you in school, tell him he should watch this movie. Then, he won't bug you anymore cuz he'll probably have stabbed himself in the face. If some jerk cuts you off in traffic, just toss him a DVD of Zombie Nation. He will never, ever cut anyone off again. I guarantee it. 

As far as a rating goes, even Ron Perlman wouldn't have given this movie a second look. In fact, I'm pretty sure this is the face he'd make if you asked him for his thoughts on the script. So no Ron Perlmans for you:

I will say there is one small upside to having seen this movie: from now on, when somebody says "I went to see X and it wasn't very good." I can always come back with "Eh, I've seen worse..."

Chris

From My Playlist
	Artist:	Evans Blue
	Song:	Dear Lucid: Our Time Is Right Now
	Album:	The Pursuit Begins When This Portrayal Of Life Ends