Looper

To clarify what a "Looper" is: In 2074, time travel has been invented and outlawed. The organized crime of the day has a hard time hiding bodies and comes up with the solution of sending those they want killed 30 years into the past to be killed and disposed of. It is the looper's job to kill those targets. The targets have the looper's payment, bars of silver, attached to them. At some point, the looper will have their "loop closed" when their future self is sent back to be killed. This future self will have gold bars instead of silver so that the looper, who has effectively been retired, can live whatever life they feel like with the knowledge that in 30 years, they'll be sent back in time to die.

In the (not so) far flung future of 2044, Joe Simmons is a looper. Joe loves his job. He's good at what he does, and gives little thought to his future beyond hoarding away the silver he earns so he can live out his retirement in France. He and his friend Seth are regular visitors to La Belle Aurore, a local club owned by Abe, an organized crime boss sent back to ensure the loopers do their jobs and close their loops when the time comes. Abe encourages Joe to go to Shanghai instead of France, with the guarantee that Abe's from the future, so he knows what he's talking about. One night, Seth comes to Joe and begs for help: Seth's most recent target was his future self, whom he recognizes and fails to kill. Seth's future self warns him that a powerful mob boss in the future known as The Rainmaker is closing all loops. Joe ultimately turns in Seth, and actions are taken against Present Seth to pass on the message to Future Seth that he has nowhere to run.

Present Joe's loop comes through, but instead of being bound and gagged, Future Joe is free and manages to escape. Present Joe, having seen what happens to loopers who fail to close their loops, is determined to close his loop. Cutting a message into his arm knowing the scar will appear on his future self, Present Joe meets Future Joe at his favorite diner. There, Future Joe confirms that The Rainmaker is closing all loops and Future Joe has come back to kill The Rainmaker before he becomes too powerful. Little is known of The Rainmaker, other than it is said he has a prosthetic jaw and witnessed his mother's murder. Future Joe has come back with only a timecode for the hospital where The Rainmaker was born. He manages to acquire a list of three children born on that day in that hospital, all possible Rainmakers. Before Present Joe can stop Future Joe, Abe's enforcers show up to eliminate both of them. Both Joes escape with a piece of the map showing the location of the possible Rainmakers. So now, the chase is on. Which Joe will be successful first, and how will the future be affected by their actions...

» Wait, now Snape kills Hitler? «

Future Joe finds and kills his first target. Meanwhile, Present Joe arrives on the farm owned by the target on his piece of the map. There, Present Joe meets Sara and her son Cid. After a grueling detox, Present Joe shows Sara his piece of the map. She recognizes the numbers on the map as Cid's birthday and the code of the hospital he was born in. Present Joe offers to stay and protect her and ultimately kill Future Joe when he comes for Cid. Present Joe and Sara get closer and she tells Joe that she is telekinetic, a mutation that has appeared in a small portion of the people in the future. She explains that due to her life situation, she left Cid with her sister and only came back to raise Cid when her sister died, which is why Cid doesn't believe that Sara is his mother.

Future Joe finds his second target, but has reservations when he sees that it is the child of Suzie, an exotic dancer from La Belle Aurore whom Present Joe had a relationship with. Meanwhile, back on the farm, one of Abe's enforcers arrives to question Sara. Cid helps Present Joe hide until the enforcer leaves. But the enforcer soon returns and confronts Present Joe. Cid, sneaking downstairs to see what's going on, trips and falls down several steps. Sara grabs Present Joe and flees the farmhouse as Cid has a violent telekinetic outburst and kills the enforcer.

Meanwhile, Future Joe has returned to Suzie's apartment to kill her child, but is instead ambushed by another enforcer and captured. Taken back to La Belle Aurore and Abe, Future Joe breaks free and proceeds to kill all but one of Abe's enforcers, along with Abe himself. All of his opposition eliminated, Future Joe heads to the farm.

Cid's outburst tells Present Joe that he is The Rainmaker and that his terrifying powers allowed him to take over in the future. Sara explains that as Cid's mother, she can keep him under control. Present Joe has grown attached to Cid and cannot bring himself to kill the boy and stop The Rainmaker. Present Joe decides the best way to keep them safe is for Sara and Cid to leave. Future Joe arrives and confronts Present Joe. Before Present Joe can kill Future Joe, the last surviving enforcer interrupts. Present Joe kills him, but Future Joe manages to get away. Future Joe intercepts Sara and Cid and manages to catch Cid's cheek with a bullet. As Cid is about to have another telekinetic outburst, Sara calms him down.

Present Joe arrives as Future Joe recovers and continues with his plan to kill Cid. Sara sends Cid into a nearby cornfield and stands between him and Future Joe. Present Joe watches the scene unfold and foresees the birth of The Rainmaker: the prosthetic jaw a result of Cid's untreated bullet wound; the hated of loopers a result of seeing his mother killed trying to save him. Present Joe, possessing only a short range weapon, does the only thing he can think to stop Future Joe: he turns the gun on himself.

There's quite a history of time travel films, both jumping forward and travelling backwards. Some of them detail the philosophy behind the limits of time travel, such as The Time Machine's protagonist who cannot save his beloved because it would negate his need to build the time machine he would use to save her. Some deal with the idea of paradoxes and the havoc time travel wreaks, such as Millennium or TimeCop, where small changes to the past drastically change the future. There are even a few serious looks at the possibilities of real life time travel, such as Into the Universe with Stephen Hawking's. Looper is another time travel film, but one that not only goes out of its way to avoid discussing the mechanics of time travel, but for the most part makes you not care.

The movie doesn't do much with time travel other than introduce it as a plot device. As the two Joes sit in the diner, Future Joe tells Present Joe that if he were to try and explain things they'd "be here all day, making diagrams with straws." And it actually works well, for the most part. By relegating time travel to the background, the movie avoids many of the tropes associated with it and tells the story of a man at two different points in his life fighting to save the woman he loves, damn the consequences of that decision.

Sadly, this isn't really CGI, they just
punched him in the face a few times.
Presto, instance Bruce Willis face.

Looper is very cleanly done. There's a good bit of special effects, but the only one that's a little weird are the effects used to make Present Joe, played by Joseph Gordon-Levitt look more like a younger version of Future Joe, played by Bruce Willis. The effects are a little weird to look at since Gordon-Levitt's face is already pretty well known. The other effects, including a hover bike and Future Seth's amputations are all very slick.

If you're looking for deeper meaning in the film, Looper shows the growth of Gordon-Levitt's character from a simple hitman to someone who cares about those his actions effect. Actually, it shows it twice over through both Present Joe's and Future Joe's life choices. Deep down, the movie posits the question: what would you do to protect the ones you love, even from yourself? 

Overall, I think Looper came out pretty well. If you sit down and try to work out exactly the hoops you need to jump through the get the timelines correct, you'll spend a good deal of time arguing over exactly which straw goes where and how to get from point A to point B via points D, G, and R. But, since there's no need for such deep examination to keep the movie going, you can avoid it entirely and just enjoy the film. And if you really want to, Google "Looper straws" and feel free to join in on the stream of arguments. Or post your own theories somewhere where everyone's going to see it (so not the comments below). 

Looper is definately a buy-it. I don't know that seeing it in a theater would add much to the experience, but you'll want to watch it more than once, especially for your straw-based time travel analysis. And I'm sure there are probably some slick extra features that would be worth checking out.

Ron Perlman has time traveled several times, though most of them were for the sake of being in multiple movies at the same time. There was that one time he saved the Titanic from sinking, but the James Cameron got pissed and made him undo it.

From My Playlist
	Artist:	Bloc Party
	Song:	Octopus
	Album:	Four

Super 8

I'd love to say that Super 8 was super great, but I think I got to that party super late. I don't super hate Super 8, but I'm also not sure it was worth the super wait. Would it have made a super date? If I did say it was super great, would it leave me in a super state? Or would I still be bored and go super masturbate?

Perhaps I've said too much...


In 1970s Ohio, Joe and his friend Charles, along with assorted other friends, are shooting an amateur film for  an international film competition. While shooting scenes at a local train station, an approaching train presents an opportunity for what Charles calls "Production Value." As the train passes by and the scene is filmed, Joe notices a truck race onto the tracks ahead of the train, causing a massive derailment. In the ensuing mayhem, the camera is knocked over and continues to film the derailment. Once everything settles down and the friends are accounted for, they approach the truck to find their school science teacher. He warns them to get away and not mention the incident with the train.

You ever have someone tell you something was literally
a train wreck? Well, this was a train wreck...literally.

Strange things begin happening around town: all the dogs in the area run away; several townspeople disappear, including the chief of police; and electronic devices, from microwaves to car engines, are mysteriously stolen in large quantities. Joe's dad, now the acting chief of police, attempts to work with the Air Force personnel who've arrived to collect the mysterious contents of the train, but is thrown in prison. Shortly thereafter, the Air Force starts a brush fire, forcing all the residents to evacuate. What could they be hiding that's so important...

» Snape transformed into a what? «

In addition to boxes upon boxes of white cubes, the train that derailed also contained a space alien that had been captured by the Air Force years earlier. The science teacher who derailed the train had been a part of the team investigating the alien and its crashed ship (which was constructed of the white cubes). After being picked up by the alien, he developed a psychic link to the creature and learned of its desire to simply rebuild its ship and go home.

Alice, whom Charles invited to be in the movie in hopes of starting a relationship with, begins falling for Joe. When she's taken by the alien, the kids head to the school to find more information about the alien in the science teacher's storage trailer. With the knowledge they glean from the footage they find, the kids head back into the evacuated town to track down the alien and help it get home. They discover the alien hiding out underneath the town water tower, using the stolen electronics to try and build an electromagnetic.

Here's a shot of the alien. Totally worth it, right?

After being chased by the alien, Joe is captured, but uses the psychic link to convince the alien to finish its device and go home; to forget about the past indignities and finish what it set out to do. The alien rebuilds his spaceship using the electromagnet and leaves Earth. Joe and Alice's dads reconcile their differences, and Joe and his friends finish their movie.

Super 8 feels like two films that have been crammed together to form a single movie.

The first movie is about  a group of friends making a movie and dealing with the random shit that happens in life. In this case, Joe loses his mom in a steel mill accident when she's covering a shift for Alice's dad, who failed to come to work because he was drunk. For this, Joe's dad blames Alice's dad for his loss, so they are forever forbidden from being together. However, over the course of the movie, a relationship develops while another suffers, but ultimately things work out and a pretty amusing amateur film, The Case, gets made.

The second movie is about an alien. Yeah, that's it, a fuckin' alien.

I said more goddamned shadowy, quick-cut alien shots!

It really seems like J. J. Abrams, the writer and director, had a good idea for a movie involving something probably near and dear to him: young filmmakers and the fun-citement of small town life in the 70s. And then somebody was like "Hey, aren't you J. J. Abrams? Like Star Trek rebooting, Lost executive producing, Cloverfield J. J. Abrams? Can't be! Where the fuck is the awesomely scary spacey-mystery-monstery-shit?" So what you end up with is a pretty good movie with some alien shit thrown at it. The alien parts aren't terrible and do add a bit of excitement to the film in certain parts, but the ultimate resolution is telegraphed from a mile away and really kind of detracts from the film. I'm curious as to how the film would have turned out without the sci-fi aspect. Sure, there'd still be some major conflict separate from the minor conflict between the kids, but would it be completely dismissed because it didn't fit with J. J. Abram's string of releases? I guess we'll never know.

Also, the amateur film The Case, about a detective investigating the appearance of zombies around the Romero (see what they did there?) Chemical Factory, plays alongside the credits at the end of the movie and is worth sitting through. It's obviously a little hokey, but that adds to the amusement factor. After seeing all the little bits filmed throughout the movie, its cool to see a final film stitched together from the bits you see. And Charles' final note is good for a quick laugh.

Torn about the 2-movies-in-one premise, we've got 2 ratings for Super 8:

If you're looking for a J. J. Abrams alien film...		If you're looking for good movie about friends, films, a train crash, and can tolerate some alien crap thrown in for effect..
Netflix, cuz you'll probably be mad if you throw any extra money at this film, moreso if you don't want to sit through a bit of Romeo and Juliet.		Should have seen it in theaters to make the big moments bigger

Ron Perlman auditioned for the role of the alien, but they ultimately passed when test audiences literally peed themselves in fear during screenings. Literally.

From My Playlist
	Artist:	Flogging Molly
	Song:	Drunken Lullabies
	Album:	Drunken Lullabies

The Cabin In The Woods

In an effort to cut down on typing time (and since nobody really reads this crap anyway), I'm going to switch a few things around. I'll provide a much shorter summary, since if you really want to know exactly what goes on in the movie, you can always head over to Wikipedia or read the blog of somebody that gets paid to review movies. I've also changed up the rating system a bit, which you can read about here.

A group of five friends make their way to an isolated cabin deep in the woods owned by a cousin for a weekend getaway from school, aborted relationships, and regular everyday life. Once there, they discover a handful of oddities about the cabin, including a 2-way mirror, randomly opening doors, and a basement full of seemingly random objects. Shortly after finding and reading a young girl's journal, the group is attacked by the re-animated corpses of the her family (referred to in the film as "Zombie Redneck Torture Family"). From that moment on, the group of friends fight to survive this seemingly traditional slasher horror film...

Except it's not quite that simple. The events occurring at the cabin are being monitored and influenced by a group of shirt and tie overseers who have an ulterior motive in leading each of the vacationers to their certain demise. And it seems these five may not be their only victims.

» Snape does what now (spoiler)? «

It turns out that the group behind the events in the cabin are killing the friends off in a predetermined sequence that acts as a ritual sacrifice to appease the Old Gods who came before humanity. These five friends represent the basic archetypes found in almost every slasher movie ever. The first to die is "The Whore", followed shortly by "The Fool," "The Warrior," "The Scholar," and ending with "The Virgin." Should the sacrifice fail, the Old Gods will once again rise up and erase mankind from the face of the Earth. In an attempt to stave off this ultimate destruction, the people orchestrating the killings have multiple sacrifice locations, but the cabin ends up being the last viable option. The fate of the world hangs on the the deaths of the five friends.

So each one is killed off in some horrible manner. Thinking only "The Virgin" is left alive and her death is left up to fate, celebration ensues in the observation room below the cabin. But it turns out "The Fool" has managed to evade his zombie pursuer and discover the entrance to the observation labs. He saves "The Virgin" and they both descend into the labs, finding more nightmare monsters and the true purpose of the cabin. After unleashing all the other monsters from their Cube-esque cells, the two are the last left alive. Deigning humanity unworthy, they refuse to kill each other and allow the Old Gods to once again rule the world.

The Cabin In The Woods is a horror-comedy that was written as an attempt to pull the horror genre back from the "torture porn" route it was heading. Co-written by Joss Whedon of Buffy: The Vampire Slayer and Firefly fame, the movie leans more towards the comedy side of the horror-comedy genre. It's still got some good horror moments, especially once the zombies show up on the scene and towards the end of the movie, but a lot of the perceived attempts at suspenseful horror come off as fully aware of how horribly cliché they are.

The spin on the typical horror film scenario is one of the more interesting, along the same lines of the early M. Night Shyamalan films, the ones with the good twists, not the horribly stupid twists (I'm looking at you, Lady In The Water). Unfortunately, to a certain extent the trailer kind of gives away some of the "surprise" moments. There are a few good cringe-worthy moments involving an invisible barrier around the cabin, and overall the film is a pretty good watch.

There are a handful of big names in the film (including Chris Hemsworth, who played Thor in Thor), but the acting is well done. The characters all fit into the roles they ultimately play. I have to admit, I think Fran Kranz would probably have made a better Shaggy than Matthew Lillard. Or at least a more smartass-y one.

So, would Ron Perlman spend a weekend in a cabin in the woods?

Dispatching Redneck Torture Zombies? Ron Perlman calls that Thursday.

From My Playlist
	Artist:	Deep Forest
	Song:	While The Earth Sleeps
	Album:	Strange Days: Music From The Motion Picture

Rating System Change

I've decided to change up the rating system a bit. Ron Perlman heads can really only tell you so much, and seem kind of arbitrary. I think this new review system will give you a better idea as to whether a movie is worth seeing or not. In addition, it should give you an idea as to where or how you'd want to watch it. Or it could be just as useless.

So here's how the new rating system works. Based on the movie, I (through previous rating method Ron Perlman) will give it one of the following ratings:

Theater It - The movie is so good, you should see it/have seen it when it was in theaters. Since a movie ticket usually ranges about $15, and you'll ultimately be taking out a small loan to take more than 2 people and even think about buying something from the snack bar, this is about the best rating a movie can get.

Buy It - The movie is damn good. Maybe not good enough to see at a theater, but good enough you'll want to watch it more than a few times. Also, there's the potential for awesome special features that you might miss out on by just renting it.

Redbox It - The movie is good, but not good enough to drop $20+ on. It's still good enough to throw a few bucks at and make a trip out to get it. (Note: you don't necessarily need to rent the movie from Redbox, but it's recognizable enough, and seems cooler than "Rent It").

Netflix It - The movie was OK, but not worth any real extra effort to see. So what if it came out on DVD 3 months ago, you didn't really miss anything by waiting.

TV It - It's Saturday, there's nothing on TV, and you don't have Netflix (what's wrong with you?). If this movie suddenly came on as the Saturday Matinee Watch Today Cuz It's OK on whatever channel you stopped on, go ahead and watch it. Even edited, you won't lose enough for it to really matter.

F#$k It - Should be obvious. If someone came up to me on the street and said "What do you think about Movie X?", my reply would resemble "That movie? Fuck that movie."

Hostel: Part III

Sometimes a movie series comes along and tells a grand, overarching story that ties all the movies together and makes one big mega-adventure. And then there are movie series that take a theme, and beat the hell out of it (see Saw, Friday The Thirteenth, etc.). And then there are those series that have ridiculously little to do with each other outside of the same name. Hostel: Part III falls into this last category. Oh, and it sucks.

After a brief scene in a local hostel where a foreign couple are drugged by an unassuming young man and soon find themselves locked in cages to await their demise, the scene shifts to Scott and Amy, a soon-to-be-married couple as Scott leaves for his bachelor party. Under the guise of going golfing in Palm Springs, Carter, Scott's friend, instead takes him to Las Vegas where they meet up with two of Scott's other friends. After a night of clubbing the guys end up at a "freaky" party with a couple of escorts. After Scott rebuffs one of the escorts, he ends up outside and passes out.

This is actually a professional latex
appliance you can buy...and I guess
make your own Hostel: Part III.

The next morning, one of the escorts and one of Scott's friends, Mike, are missing. Mike awakens in a cage across from the foreign man from earlier. Shortly after awakening, Mike is taken to an empty room and strapped to a chair. A set of curtains open to reveal that Mike is in front of an audience. It turns out the audience is there to bid on what sort of pain will be inflicted upon Mike and how he will die. A man enters the room, and after a bit of contemplation, proceeds to cut Mike's face off.

» So What Happens? «

Still having heard nothing from Mike, the rest of the bachelor party breaks into his escort's trailer looking for clues. Instead, they run into the other escort that came on to Scott, who's upset that they haven't heard from the escort either. Said escort awakens in the same room Mike died in, strapped to a table wearing a cheerleader outfit. A man enters and with little fanfare proceeds to spray her face and mouth with what is assumed to be cockroach pheromones. He then dumps a tank of roaches on her who proceed to race down her throat, suffocating her.

After receiving a text message from "Mike" to come to a local hostel where he and the escort spent the night, the group are ambushed, gassed, and awaken in the cells across from the foreign guy. Justin, Scott's other friend, is taken away and Carter informs his captors that a mistake has been made and displays his tattoo as a member of the Elite Hunting Club (the underground group from the Hostel series responsible for setting up the tortures). Scott is shocked to find Carter is behind what's going on. Meanwhile, Justin is killed by a woman in a rather elaborate costume who shoots him repeatedly with a crossbow.

Scott at last is taken away to meet his fate, dressed in a tuxedo. As it turns out, Carter set out to kill Scott with the intention of comforting and then taking Scott's fiancé, Amy. Scott is released from his shackles and a fight with Carter ensues where Scott cuts the tattoo off of Carter to escape.

Meanwhile, the foreign guy escapes his cell, but is killed in the process of killing another guard. Scott returns to the cells and frees the escort, who is then shot by the young man from the beginning scenes. Scott kills the young man. Meanwhile Flemming, the head of the Club, sets a timer to blow the club up. While attempting to leave, Flemming is stabbed to death by Carter. Carter then uses Flemming to cover some spikes that would have prevented him from driving away. Carter sees Scott attempting to flee the Club, and locks the gates so Scott can't escape.

Fast forward, Carter is consoling a distraught Amy. She invites him to stay the night. He accepts, sensing his grand plan is coming to fruition. When Amy returns with a bottle of wine, she tells Carter that Scott survived the explosion and skewers his hand with corkscrew. Carter is taken to the garage, bound, and killed with a garden tiller by a somewhat crispy Scott.

I believe the first Hostel is usually credited as the movie that kicked off the torture porn movie renaissance. And its not hard to see why. Hostel had some gruesome moments, and with its somewhat believable premise, was all the scarier. Hostel: Part II took the same tack, with a bit of a twist ending. Hostel: Part III takes a great big steaming dump on the franchise. I suppose its worth noting that Eli Roth, the director of the first two films, does not appear to be involved with this one at all, which probably explains its utter crappery.

(Spoiler alter: plot points follow) The shock deaths from the first films are pretty much gone. With the exception of Mike's face getting cut off, most of the deaths are either not very exciting (suffocation, arrows, etc) or are done off screen. According to Wikipedia, the budget for this movie falls between the budgets for the first and second movie. That's pretty sad. It seems some of the budget should have been put towards making a better film instead of being set on fire, doused with toilet water, and flushed down said toilet. The acting isn't terrible, and really for a horror film, one can't expect Shakespeare. But there are so many plot points that either don't make sense, or don't add jack to the film.

• The foreign couple are captured, the woman is apparently killed (although there's no death scene, she's just taken away) and the guy pretty much sits in his cell for the rest of the movie making ominous statements about people going off to die until he escapes and is killed.

So we've got this great movie,
you'll love it. You've heard of Hostel...
It's direct-to-DVD. That's OK, right?

• The Elite Hunting Club has apparently been turned into off-track betting instead of pay-for-kill. So now instead of spending money to torture another person, 20 people lost money guessing incorrectly that someone was going to be killed with a screwdriver. I suppose the EHC makes more money, but these rich folk need the Internet. A quick visit to a 4chan gore thread would be cheaper and definitely gorier.

• The guy that drugs the foreign couple appears to be some sort of right-hand man/protege, but the relationship is never really discussed. So it appears that just a douchebag delivery boy. I hope he didn't waste money going to college for that...

• It turns out the killing of the escorts and Scott's friends was an accident. Apparently, in addition to changing business plans, the EHC has also gotten ridiculously sloppy. Oops.

Hostel: Part III really was a let down. With as good as the first two movies were, its a shame this turd had to roll along and ruin things for everybody. As a direct to DVD release, the movie claims to be "Unrated." I can only assume that this was a marketing call because had it actually be rated, it probably would have been PG-13 and people would have known from the get-go that it was not worth watching.

Ron Perlman narrates the TV show "1000 Ways To Die" on Spike TV. They've decided to dedicate an episode to the creative ways people have killed themselves after watching horribly bad movies. Luckily, I'm sure Hostel: Part III will give them a good 6 or seven segments.

When people get tired of hearing about dumb ways other people have been killed, they can always turn the show into a movie review show and call it "1000 Movies That Make You Want To Die." That title's not very catchy though, might need some work.

From My Playlist
	Artist:	Ellie Goulding
	Song:	Lights
	Album:	Lights

Assassin's Creed

Back when I was a kid, we didn't go to the movies all that often (and we only had to walk uphill one way)...not that that's changed much since I became not a kid. But in those days, if there was a movie I really wanted to see, I'd often pickup the novelization, since I couldn't just go and download a copy off the internet. Sometimes, as I'd find out later after finally seeing the movie on DVD or TV, the book was a pretty straight conversion from the film. But, there were a few cases where the book was slightly different, often including little tidbits that had been in the script, but either never made it into the movie, or ended up on the editing room floor. This was back in the day before special features really took off, so it was kind of neat to get to experience something that people who just watched the movie didn't get to see. I had recently stumbled upon a set of books based on Assassin's Creed, the Ubisoft video game franchise. Being a big fan, I picked up the four books currently out...

Assassin's Creed: The Secret Crusade

Based on the first game, but actually published third, Assasin's Creed: The Secret Crusade is presented as Niccolò Polo relating the tale to his brother Maffeo. The tale follows Altaïr Ibn-La'Ahad as he re-learns what it means to be an assassin after his hubris leads to the death of one of his fellow assassins and the maiming of another. As he works his way back up through the ranks by eliminating targets for his master, Al Mualim, Altaïr begins to question the beliefs of his victims, as well as his own. This ultimately leads to a confrontation that changes Altaïr's life, as well as the future of the Assassin Order. It also introduces us to the Pieces of Eden, artifacts from an earlier civilization with amazing powers to control others, project hallucinations, and seemingly show the future.

The book also includes the events immediately following Assassin's Creed the game, as well as Altaïr's later years in Masyaf, which didn't appear in game form until Assassin's Creed: Revelations. 

Assassin's Creed: Renaissance

Based on the second game (Assassin's Creed II) and the first book of the series, Assassin's Creed: Renaissance introduces us to Ezio Auditore da Firenze. A brash young man from Florence, Italy, Ezio lives a carefree life until the day his family is betrayed and Ezio is left as the only surviving male member of his family and the heir to his father's association with the Assassins. With the assistance of the Auditore housemaid, Ezio begins learning the ways of the Assassin Order and extracts his revenge upon his father's betrayer. No longer safe in Florence, Ezio finds his way to Monteriggioni and his uncle Mario. Learning more of the ways of the Creed, Ezio uncovers a Templar plot against the Medici family, another well off family in Florence who were close with the Auditores. The Pazzi family, working with Rodrigo Borgia, seek to take control of Florence from the Medici. Following this, Ezio travels to Forli to continue his quest to stop the Templars, where he meets Caterina Sforza. There he learns of another conspiracy, this time to remove the Doge of Venice (doge is the senior-most elected official). It is here Ezio meets Bartolomeo d'Alviano, leader of a band of mercenaries who aides Ezio in his future endeavors against the Templars. 

After finding out the Doge assassination was just a distraction while the Templars fled, Ezio spends the next few years waiting for a new lead. When word comes, it turns out that a Piece of Eden has found its way into Templar hands. Ezio liberates what turns out the be The Apple. Ezio is then formally inducted into the Assassin Order. After a visit to Caterina in Forli, The Apple falls into the hands of the Orsi brothers. After failing to retrieve The Apple, it finds its way into the hands of a monk who uses it in what would become known as the Bonfire of the Vanities. Finally retrieving the piece of Eden, Ezio sets off to confront Rodrigo Borgia once more, now known as Pope Alexander VI. What Ezio finds introduces us to Those Who Came Before and sets the stage for the great revelation in the coming history of Ezio.

Assassin's Creed: Brotherhood

Assassin's Creed: Brotherhood continues the story of Ezio and his expansion of the Assassin Order. After  Monteriggioni is sacked by Cesare Borgia, Rodrigo's son; Mario is murdered; and The Apple is stolen, Ezio heads to Rome. There he sets up a base of operations and begins rebuilding the Order with disgruntled citizens who are willing to fight the Borgias. During this period of recruitment, Ezio deals with several members of the Borgia group to loosen their grip on Rome, eliminating Cesare's lackeys and sources of income. Eventually, Ezio tracks down Cesare and retrieves The Apple. Although Cesare escapes, he is recaptured by Ezio and kept in a secret location by the new Pope Julius II, for whom Ezio becomes a councilor. 

Seeking to deal with the remaining Borgia holdouts and find the secret location of Cesare, Ezio and the other Assassins continue their operations in Rome. Ultimately using The Apple to locate Cesare, Ezio is told by The Apple that its usefulness has been exhausted and Ezio must give it up. Traveling to Spain with Niccolò Machiavelli and Leonardo da Vinci after seeing visions of a Spanish castle in The Apple's projections, they follow the path of Cesare's right-hand man, Micheletto. That trail turns cold at the Castello where Cesare was being held. Having escaped, Ezio, Machiavelli, and da Vinci return to Valencia in time to see Cesare murder Micheletto and flee to Viana after wounding Machiavelli. Ezio continues to pursue Cesare to put an end to his mad ambitions.

Assassin's Creed: Revelations

AC: Revelations is the final installment in the tale of Ezio Auditore da Firenze. It is also the most recent game to be released as of this writing. Ezio has discovered a letter from his father regarding the Assassin Library at Masyaf left by Altaïr. Ezio sets out on the long journey to Masyaf, first on horseback, then by sea.   After fending off a pirate attack, he arrives in Cyprus and investigates the remains of the Templar archive there. After hitting several roadblocks in his attempts to travel on from Cyprus, Ezio finds a vessel, but is attacked by one of the pirates he'd routed earlier. Stabbed, an unconscious Ezio is taken to Acre by his pirate assailant. From Acre, Ezio continues to Masyaf, where he encounters Leandros, a Templar captain. Captured, Ezio is to be hanged, but narrowly escapes after a mysterious vision of another assassin. Ezio eventually kills Leandros and retrieves the journal of Niccolò Polo which contains clues to the locations of the five keys needed to enter the library at Masyaf. To track down these keys, Ezio heads to Constantinople (now Istanbul, though why they changed it, I can't say, probably just liked it better that way).

In Istanbul, Ezio meets Yusuf, the leader of the Assassin Order, acquires a hookblade to replace his damaged second hidden blade, and meets Sofia Sartor, a book dealer who catches Ezio's eye. With the Polo journal and Sofia's help, Ezio tracks down the missing keys to the Masyaf library, which each contain a memory from the life of Altaïr. During his searches, he recruits new assassins to the cause, and ends up getting involved in the politics surrounding the succession of the Sultan. After uncovering a plot to equip the Sultan's enemies with weapons, Ezio travels to the underground city of Cappadocia to stop the uprising. Fleeing Cappadocia, Ezio has the Masyaf key he had just retrieved stolen from him by Ahmet, the heir-apparent to the Ottoman throne. Returning to Constantinople, Ezio finds Sofia taken, Yusuf murdered, and Ahmet behind it all. After retrieving the lost keys, Ezio returns to Masyaf to finally claim the knowledge kept in the library.

» The ending of the book, spoiler unless you've seen Embers «

Ezio decides to give up the life of the Assassin Mentor and settle down. Marrying Sofia, they have two children and a vineyard. As Ezio attempts to put down on paper the story of his life and teaching for future assassins, he is visited by an assassin from China named Shao Jun. She has come on behalf of her murdered mentor to seek the teachings necessary to revive the order in her country and defend it. At first Ezio is hesitant, but eventually relents. Having passed on his secrets, he is finally able to finish his memoirs and, while accompanying his wife and children to the market in Florence, passes away peacefully.

So I was hoping for some interesting tidbits from these books that either weren't in the game or that I might of overlooked. Yeah, not so much. There's nothing wrong with the books themselves, although I've seen some complaints in other reviews of poor sentence structure and stuff like that. I don't recall any specific instances where I had trouble either reading or figuring out what was going on. Oliver Bowden is a pseudonym for Anton Gill, who appears to primarily deal in European historical fiction and non-fiction. So if you have an interest in European historical tales, he might be an author to look into further.

I guess the overall problem with the books is if you've played the games (which I have played all of them, several times, thanks to those accursed achievements), the books are pretty much a total waste of time. There's little deviation from the storyline in the game, with the exception of Desmond isn't mentioned anywhere. I believe some of the earlier DLC made it into the books, such as the Battle of Forli and the Bonfire of the Vanities. But none of the later DLC shows up, including the DaVinci Disappearance or the Lost Archives events. So it appears the author probably wasn't working off of any kind of scripted story, but was going based solely on what was offered in the games at the time the book was written. Assassin's Creed: Bloodlines (on the PSP) appears to be the only non-console/PC game that made its way into written form, which doesn't help much because frankly that game wasn't very good and the bits added to the story regarding the Templar Archives so far haven't had much impact on the rest of the story.

Although it seems kind of weird, I'm guessing the reason the books were presented out of order of the games was to try and follow Ezio as the primary character. It is feasible that Altaïr's life would be presented as Ezio reading it in Niccolò Polo's journals on the trip to Masyaf. One of the odd results of this seems to be Altaïr's later life. The events after Altaïr's battle with Al Mualim in the games are presented as memories in the Masyaf keys found by Ezio. The Last Crusade presents an slightly expanded version of this history, and the Revelations re-visits the same events as part of Ezio's quest for the keys. Again, I guess it makes sense so The Last Crusade can stand alone as its own book, but it ends up being noticeably redundant.

So basically if you really liked the concept behind Assassin's Creed, minus the present day battles against the Templars, but don't own a 360 or PS3 and only use your computer for porn and eBay, then these books are for you. Otherwise, you'll just be rehashing the story you've already played your way through, but without all those pesky side quests (which might not be such a bad thing for the first game). And if you've only ever played the first Assassin's Creed, I'd recommend at least picking up Assassin's Creed II the game before resorting to the books. If you really liked the story and what to see how it ends but can't stomach the idea of playing another game, then read the books...quitter...

In honor of the recent passing of the great author Ray Bradbury, I'm giving this series two burning books. Had there at least been something more than a direct translation of the games, it might have garnered a better rating.

 

Might have to reconsider, perhaps a book on fire isn't the best way to rate other books. Plus, I suppose fire's already been used as a way to rate books...

From My Playlist
	Artist:	Of Mice And Monsters
	Song:	Little Talks
	Album:	My Head Is An Animal

Rango

You ever go back and watch some of the shows on Nickelodeon that you watched when you were a kid? If so, I'm sure you've found yourself wondering how the hell Ren & Stimpy got the green light. And what the hell, Are You Afraid Of The Dark is really fuggin' scary, especially for little kids. And for everybody that is and was a video game fan, why were the contestants on Nick Arcade so terrible? What does any of this have to do with Rango? Outside of that it was made by Nick, nothing really. I just like remembering when TV didn't suck so much. Curse you, reality TV!

Skip to the review!

Rango (voiced by Johnny Depp) is a pet chameleon who fancies himself a master thespian, but finds his latest bit of acting lacks any sort of conflict for the main character. It's about this time that the car he's riding in swerves to avoid an armadillo, and his terrarium is thrown out the back. The now stranded lizard talks to the armadillo the car hit, named Roadkill (voiced by Alfred Molina, the "Sister Christian" loving drug dealer from Boogie Nights), who directs him to first find Dirt if he hopes to find water to quench his thirst. On his way through the desert, Rango meets Beans (voiced by Isla Fisher, who is married to Borat), a desert iguana with a habit of freezing mid-sentence (a defense mechanism, she assures him). Beans gives Rango a ride to the town of Dirt.

Rango and his posse ride off
in search of the stolen water.

Dirt is suffering from a drought. Locals who can't survive anymore are packing up and leaving. Rango, on his arrival, is immediately conspicuous as a stranger. At a local saloon, he concocts the persona of Rango to test his acting chops and gain the admiration of the local townsfolk. At the saloon, as Rango is basking in the limelight his improvisation has garnered, Bad Bill, the local thug, comes in and, after a brief altercation, challenges Rango to a duel. Mid duel, Bill is run off by a hawk that Rango had encountered earlier in the desert and who has returned to finish him off. A struggle ensues and Rango ends up dropping a water tower on the hawk. For his bravery, Rango is made the new sheriff of Dirt. His first task: find out where the water has gone.

After the local bank's reserves, a water bottle with only a few days of water left in it, are stolen, Rango organizes a posse to find the missing water. The trail leads to a family of moles who have the water bottle. After a grand chase, the water bottle is found to be empty and the moles inform Rango that they had been beaten to the punch when trying to rob the bank. Bringing the moles back to town, Beans discovers that the mayor has been buying up the now unusable land all over town. She shares her concerns with Rango. He confronts the mayor, who denies having anything to do with the water shortage, but shows Rango the new town he's building. As Rango departs, the mayor calls in Rattlesnake Jake (voiced by Bill Nighy, Davy Jones from one of Johnny Depp's other small films, Pirates of the Carrbbean: Dead Man's Chest), a gunslinger who, prior to the death of the hawk, had left Dirt in peace.

» How does it end? «

Jake calls out Rango in front of the townspeople. After shaming Rango, Jake forces him to leave town. On his own in the desert, Rango has a vision of the Spirit of the West, a Clint Eastwood look-a-like in a golf cart with a metal detector who tells Rango he has to finish what he started because "No man can walk out on his own story." Finding new purpose, Rango discovers the mayor has cut off Dirt's water supply (which is coming from Las Vegas) so he can control the future of the town. Returning to the remaining members of the mole family, Rango enlists their help to return to Dirt and defeat Rattlesnake Jake. Rango challenges Jake to a duel. Meanwhile Roadkill and a group of dying yucca plants manage to open the valve on the water supply, deluging the town with water and shooting Jake up into the air via the tunnel the moles used to enter the bank. When Jake recovers the moles use their flying mounts to make Jake think the hawk that kept him at bay has returned. Jake discovers the ruse and begins to shoot down the bats, expending all his ammo and leaving him defenseless.

As Rango is about to shoot Jake, the mayor forces Rango to surrender by threatening Beans. Throwing them both into the now flooding bank vault, the mayor tells Jake there's no place for gunslingers in his new town and tries to shoot the snake with Rango's gun. To the mayor's surprise, Rango has removed the lone bullet in the gun. Jake is unamused, to say the least. Rango, ultimately using Beans as a makeshift gun, fires the bullet at the vault door, which shatters, releasing them. Jake compliments Rango on his resourcefulness, one gunslinger to another, and leaves with the mayor in tow. The citizens of Dirt praise Rango as their hero. The drought is over.

Jake the (Rattle)Snake

Rango is another in a long line of "bumbling idiot beats the bad guys through his own incompetence" films. Although he is but a simple house pet, Rango portrays himself as larger than life to win the admiration of the local townsfolk. When his imagined bravado is put to the test, he ultimately prevails, but only by accidentally shooting one of the lines supporting the disused water tower. His promotion to sheriff is a ruse by the mayor to give the townspeople hope when he knows they truly have none. In one of his many acts as sheriff, he directs the moles attempting to break into the bank in the right direction when they become lost, mistaking them for unlicensed gold prospectors. In the fight with the mole family for the stolen water bottle, his unintentional actions turn the tide after his attempt to portray his posse as a troupe of actors fails. Every sticky situation Rango escapes is just another in a string of dumb luck encounters. This does make the film a little predictable.

Rango is actually a pretty OK film for older kids. There's a lot of action, so it's probably too much for small kids in the sub 5-6 year old range, but the worst language you'll encounter is a couple of "hell"s and "damn"s, which I can guarantee your kids have probably heard by now (especially if you've recently done any home improvement or carpentry projects). Rattlesnake Jake is probably the scariest character, but really, he's a rattlesnake, that should come as no surprise. The movie was panned by some for its smoking, but really wasn't that prevalent. More of a reflection of the style of the film (old western), it's obviously not some attempt to turn the movie into a Marlboro ad. So no worries, your 7 year old can survive a viewing of Rango. But it wouldn't hurt for you to watch it with them, at least for the younger ones.

The film also has a few nods to grown-ups, as the more recent family films do. Early on, Rango ends up as a bug on the windshield of a car driven by a Hunter S. Thompson character, the subject of Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas (who happened to be played by Johnny Depp). There are also several Western movie nods, and few more subtly adapted scenes that the older viewers may pick up on but kids will just think are awesome action scenes.

So overall, Rango is a pretty decent family film. There's nothing spectacular about it, it's not going to be a Citizen Kane-esque masterpiece that changes the world (which it doesn't try to be, by any means), but it's definitely well done. The graphics are high quality, given that a lot of characters have whiserky faces and little hairs that would be annoyingly obvious if poorly rendered. The overall theme of the film, about finding one's place in life, is a little existential, but is good for kids since no doubt they'll soon be facing their own "what am I going to do with my life?" questions down the road. It is well paced, there are few, if any, slow spots. The general story is a little clichéd, but it doesn't detract from the film outside of the predictability. The movie isn't hilariously funny, but has a few chuckle moments, as well as a few cute moments. So while not as super kid friendly as say Cars or Toy Story, it's still a relatively safe family movie for everyone to enjoy.

Ron Perlman hopes to land a similar role where he gets lost in the desert, discovers a small town suffering from a drought, and saves the day by being gruff as hell.

In case you were wondering, the working title is Rongo.

From My Playlist
	Artist:	Daft Punk
	Song:	Solar Sailer
	Album:	Tron Legacy Soundtrack